As an over-analyzer, I constantly have revelations about myself. I believe it has to do with this age that I’m at – meaning – that I have less #fomo and more #immadowhatiwant, thanks. I’m figuring out what truly makes me happy, what makes me who I am, and more importantly, why. Most of the time, because I’m perfect in every way, these revelations are positive. However this time, the revelation puzzled me and I truly have no idea how to feel about it. It first occurred to me when I was out to dinner with a group of maybe 6 or 8 of my friends. I listened to one tell me about how she is moving to San Francisco to start a website, the other got promoted to marketing manager for a trendy fitness company, the other opened a bar, and so on. I looked around and realized that I was figuratively, and quite literally, the only SUIT. I was the only one in corporate America. WTF?! How did this happen? How did Sass become the only suit in her group of friends? More importantly, why I am a suit? Should I be a suit? I never, not even for a minute, pictured myself a suit! Truly, the one thing I told myself when I graduated college, was that I didn’t want to sit at a desk all day. I recognize how somewhat naive that was but guess what I essentially do all day? I sit at a desk. It was strange because I’ve been a “suit” for about 2.5 years now and it didn’t really occur to me until this dinner. I think early on I saw it as so grown up. When those around me hadn’t quite figured themselves out yet and I had my suit job, I felt like I was doing something right. Well, now that they have figured themselves out and it doesn’t involve a suit, I’m questioning just how right it feels.
In these 2.5 years as a suit, I’ve worked for the same company. I have done my job well and have been promoted. When people ask me what I do, I tell them, “I work in property management.” Has anyone else noticed that past a certain age, people don’t usually follow up that question with, “Do you like it?” When I was younger, people always asked that question. Now, I guess it’s just assumed that we’re all adults and whether you like it or not, it’s your job. No one really cares if you like it. And on top of that, no one wants you to ask them if they like their job, because chances are the answer is no. When I used to get asked that question, I would respond with something like this, “Look, I’m not PASSIONATE about property management, but I’m good at it, I understand it, and thankfully, it is ever-changing.” So you don’t get bored, they’d ask. Right, there’s always something new happening, I’d respond. And if I have to be a suit, then thank G for that.
So I get promoted to a management position, and I am still settling in, but I am learning so much already. I am learning how to babysit adults, I am learning how to use Excel extremely well, and I am learning how to handle the grey area of just about every situation imaginable in our industry. I am realizing how much I know and just how much I don’t know how to do yet. I feel challenged but with every spreadsheet that is emailed to me to fill out, I wonder, is this it?! Is this what I’m working towards? Am I really working towards spreadsheets, reporting, and conference calls? This isn’t a specific knock on my company because from what I can tell, this is how it goes in almost any corporate company. The higher you go, the more decisions you have to make, and to do so you need to analyze and report data. I get it.
So we’ve established that I get it but is it enough? Is it enough creativity for Sass? Is it enough freedom for Sass? Is it enough SASS for SASS? LOL Lordy! But really, is the accomplishment of a title and decision-making enough? It should be, but maybe it’s not.
[And since she might be reading this, I AM NOT LEAVING THE COMPANY AND I DO NOT INTEND TO. I can confidently say that I would never leave this company for another corporate company. I merely question the level of creativity and freedom in the corporate world. I am making an observation about my life and questioning, as any 20 something might, if I can do this for the rest of my life #LYLAS]
On top of it all, I started back up again at Down Dog Yoga. Patty Ivey opened up a studio in Clarendon and I am delighted to find that it is only 10 minutes from my office. If I leave right on time, I can change, drive there, park, and get my mat down for class with usually about 5 minutes to spare. I actually nearly teared up at the end of 3 of the 4 classes I went to last week because I was so happy. I was so relieved to be doing something incredibly healthy, wonderful, and challenging for my body. There is something special about this place and believe me, I’ve tried my share of hot yoga studios, but this one is the best. It is the only one that brings me to tears because of how amazing I feel after a class. I spend an hour on me. An hour on my health. An hour on my breath. An hour to release and ignore the outside world. An hour to sweat my ass off. An hour to challenge myself. An hour to accomplish what I didn’t accomplish the day before. And let’s be serious, an hour getting toned and skinny. I sound like they paid me for this, I know, but I cannot say enough about this studio. It is such an incredibly positive force in my life right now. I am actually excited about exercising. It’s woah.
ANYWAY, I have spent the last week watching the girls that work the desk and the instructors that teach the classes and they seem very free. They could not be more opposite of corporate America. My rational mind thinks that they are probably working through grad school or married to a rich guy who lets them do this for a living but I wondered, maybe I should ask Patty if I could open her next studio. The next thought that crosses my mind is that if I did yoga for a living, I might not experience it as such a treat (aka convincing myself to stay focused on my suit and tie #suitandtie), but who knows! I CLEARLY know nothing. I am #JonSnow. Although I might know that Down Dog Yoga brings me back to the years just after Georgetown. The years B.Ryan and I spent in dancers pose and up dog 4 days as week, after sleeping in until 11am, because we were out working and drinking until 3am the night before. So my need to be part of this world aka open a studio or work in one is nostalgic (again convincing myself to stay focused on my suit and tie, #suitandtie).
When I discover something I love – writing, yoga, speaking, and restaurant-ing – I immediately think I should do it for a living. My mind wanders off into how I can accomplish this but my #suitandtie life keeps me distracted just enough to stop me from doing anything real about it. The distractions of my corporate life include things like stability, money, direction, and accomplishment. Ya know, basic life necessities, which make it difficult to think about ever walking away. I’ve never really been afraid of taking risks but ultimately, when real life (grown up life calls), you have to answer. Bills have to get paid, insurance needs to be had, and a resume needs to be built. So, the question is, will those four previously mentioned necessities be enough to fulfill me? Will I find a way to incorporate Sass into the #suitandtie life in a meaningful way? Will I be able to have both – the #suitandtie and the creative, free, life? I really don’t know yet. Again, I am #JonSnow.
The one thing I do know is that things always work out for Sass. Somehow the universe always steers me in the right direction. When I am presented with the options, even if I don’t always cognitively know it then, I usually choose the right road. It’s a gift, if you will. It’s also faith, confidence, and just how my mama raised me.