Danielle: I told you, Teresa, were you not here? Two things are written that are true: name change and I got arrested. Pay attention, puh-lease.
Teresa: I am paying attention. Obviously there has to be something else. It’s not just name change and arrested. Prostitution whore, you were f*cking engaged 19 times, you stupid b!tch! [INSERT TABLE FLIP HERE]
If you don’t know what I’m talking about you are either a man or not from New Jersey. I will tell you: I’m quoting the two lines that lead up to one of the best moments in reality tv history – Teresa Giudice flipping a table because someone told her to pay attention, puh-lease. She snapped. And I loved it.
The inspiration for this post came to me on a Friday night. If you are unfamiliar, my feyoncee and I have very difficult schedules. We both work all weekend, have different days off, I work during the day, he works at night, etc. It borderline sucks, borderline works for the time being. He works on an on-call basis, however, since the company is successful (as is he) he tends to get appointments every night that get him out the door before I get home from work and home when I am near asleep.
One Friday night he did not get an appointment. We ate dinner and decided not to go out but rather stay in, binge watch The Wire and drink wine. He barely made it through one episode of The Wire before I heard him start to doze off. I nudged him. He woke up. Two minutes later, he dozed off again. Now, I gotta tell ya, I was pissed. You would think that I would be upset that the night was essentially a wash but I wasn’t, I was more upset that he was sleeping. What a b!tch, right? Like why do I care that he is tired and wants to sleep? When I am tired and want to sleep, we go to sleep. I have no idea why, but whenever we are watching tv and he starts to doze off, I become irrationally angry. On this night I had to remove myself from the room because to listen to him snore as I sat there watching crappy re-runs made me, once again, irrationally angry.
He judges the shows I watch, i.e. The Real Housewives of New Jersey (or RHOC, RHONY, RHOBH, Total Divas, KWUTW, etc. etc.). It’s like, don’t think for a second I don’t realize how ridiculous it is to watch grown women argue for an hour. I know that I am watching these shows for superficial purposes and I’m g.d. ok with it! RAWR. His eyes roll and I FLIP. Like seriously flip out to a point that he is in tears laughing at me. I can’t even enjoy the shows when his presence is near. Just because I enjoy these shows does not mean that I’m a mindless idiot! Let me worship Carole Radziwill in peace! #youhadmeatmerlot
The thing about my feyoncee is that he doesn’t just like something because society tells him he should. For example, he is the first one to question the movie’s hero or the America’s sweetheart character in a chick flick. This makes me irrationally angry. Perfect example, we were watching Rumor Has It…, Jennifer Aniston’s character flies across the country, sleeps with Kevin Costner’s character, while her fiancé sits at home unable to reach her. My feyonce’s reaction, “Cold-hearted slut!” And I’m over here like, “Nooo, stop. She is not! She is confused and yada yada.” Meanwhile if I think about someone I know cheating or not calling for days, I’d be furious. Anyway, having these instances, the night watching The Wire and the time we watched Rumor Has It…, come back to back, I realized that there are instances where I react irrationally. I don’t just get frustrated or mad, but I get angry to a point where I should leave the room. I’m over it in two minutes but for those two minutes I am furious! Other things make me irrationally angry. Here is what I’ve come up with:
1. Peeing. Peeing makes me irrationally angry. I hate to pee. I hate even using the word pee. I say, “Tink,” which is short for “tinkle.” I have to stop my day for this tinking thing too many times. I also try to drink an incredible, almost ridiculous, amount of water every day, so the tinking becomes like breathing. I have to do it aawwl the time. It wakes me up at night, it is the first thing I have to do in the morning, and I just can’t stand it.
2. Pimples. Acne. Any kind of anything on my face that shouldn’t be there makes me irrationally angry. Of course, stressing out about it and getting angry only makes it worse, but I can’t help it. Recently in the last month or two, I’ve experienced a outbreak that doesn’t seem to go away. Because of that, I bought a mask, organic cleanser, and a new battery operated cleansing brush. These items seem to be helping now but each time I feel a new something or other under my skin, I want to scream bloody murder.
3. Incompetent servers. As an ex-service industry profesh, it irritates the heck out of me to see someone completely incompetent waiting a table or tending bar. Most specifically, when a server leaves the table empty-handed. I think that might be serving 101, DON’T LEAVE THE TABLE EMPTY-HANDED. Clear a cup, a dish, a fork, anything! There is always something to take.
4. I held the door for someone the other day. She walked through the door without looking at me, smiling at me, or saying thank you. She got about 3 steps away from me, and out came a snarky, “You’re welcome!” Following the out loud, “You’re welcome,” came an internal, “c*nt.” I had to then immediately laugh. Was she rude in not acknowledging that I held the door for her, yes, but does that make her a c*nt? Perhaps not.
5. Impulsive, stupid sh!t. I get in this mode when I am cleaning that I can’t describe very well. In an effort to be as efficient as possible, I end up doing some impulsive, stupid sh!t. It’s a mix of laziness and speed. I pick up everything all at once and then drop 3 items along the way, each time cursing the item. Last week, I wrapped the cord around my flat iron and put it in the bin where I keep it under my vanity. I saw that it was still plugged in but turned off. I figured I’d be using it the next day so who cares! A little while later, I needed more room in the bin, so I full on grabbed the flat iron, and burned my finger tips. I threw my hair brush across the room in pain. If ya had just unplugged it, you lazy B!
6. Cat-calling. I run primarily outside on the street. Yeah, that’s right, on da streetz. There are certain corners I avoid, typically corners with bus stops, because that is where people gather. There is a corner not too far from my house that I avoid at all costs. Let me paint you a picture: it is a four-way stop, bus stop stations on all corners, a fried chicken pick-up window called “Crown Friend CHicken” (yes, the “H” is capitalized), twenty-something men on bikes that look like they belong to toddlers, and so on. I will run an extra 1/2 mile to avoid this corner. However, last week I stumbled upon this corner, and breezed through the cat-calling groups of men, all the while screaming in my head, “STFU! STFU! STFU!”
7. Clutter. If you saw my house you would not believe that clutter makes me irrationally angry. Why? Because I live with 3 men, a girlfriend, and dog. It is nearly impossible to keep the house clear of clutter when you have that many people and their stuff. However, it does not stop me from getting irrationally angry about it almost every day.
8. Wastes of time. My every day job requires me to show prospective residents around the building, amenities, and apartments. This is exciting and fun when someone is actually interested in an apartment. However, when someone is either pretending to be interested in an apartment or wants something I can’t offer (i.e. a studio apartment for $1200 a month), and wants to be shown around the property, I get irrationally angry. For the first few minutes I am talking to myself, knowing that I need to snap out of it. Eventually, yes, I am able to relax and accept that this waste of time will happen. There’s nothing I can do about. BUT, that doesn’t mean I’m not irrationally angry about it.
So basically I just gave anyone who hates me a step-by-step guide on how to really piss me off. You’re welcome! Just be prepared for the table flip and cursing when you do so 🙂