Growing up, Sammy and I always played house. We had a legit kitchen set, several real bedrooms to turn into fake rooms complete with changing tables and diaper bags. We had a living room, fake telephones, and a homemade Barbie house that took up an entire wall in the fake teenage girl’s room. At the time, you are under the impression that it is your life’s destiny to grow up, get married and have kids which is why you play games like house. However now that I think about it, I remember how I always opted to be the teenage daughter while Sammy always wanted to be the mother, it actually worked out quite perfectly. Looking back, this is fitting considering Sammy grew up to earn a lot of her money through middle school, high school, and college by babysitting neighbors, friends, and what would become consistent clients on a regular basis. Whereas I hated babysitting and only did it when a neighbor or friend called my mom to ask if I could do it but always started the call with, “I know she doesn’t like to do it but I’m desperate.” Sammy even grew up thinking she would be a teacher, (she’s naturally maternal, I’m not, get over it) while I dreamt of professions that had very little to do with children. She has always wanted tons of babies and I’ve teetered between wanting lots of babies or having no babies at all.
My opinion constantly changes on the subject. One year I want six kids, all boys and the next year I don’t want any. The periods of time that I thought I wouldn’t have any correlated to my early college years when I would have melt downs every other day and ask my mother how she put up with me. “I’m too much work, I’m never having kids,” I would say. But as I grow up it is easier to picture a happy picture of life that includes children. It also helps having someone in your life that you can see the happy picture someday with.
All of that aside, recently I’m finding myself really wanting a baby. This is coming from someone who has had a scare or two in her life and knows that she really doesn’t want one right now, so why the sudden urge?
The other day I spotted a mother playing with her really freakin’ cute baby boy on the metro. I felt the urge. I had had a pretty rough day and was on the verge of melt down number two for the afternoon and finally it clicked. I laughed at myself as a thought: I want a baby so I can worry about someone’s life other than my own. Completely pathetic. Say it with me now, “I want a baby so I can stop obsessing over my own problems….” Good god. I don’t have a hard life, relatively speaking to others, I know that, but my problems are mine and they exist. That day I was feeling completely overwhelmed wondering about the who, what, when, where, why, and hows about my job, my relationships, my weight, my life, my everything. I’m exhausted just reading that sentence.
My understanding is that when you have a baby all of your focus then shifts to the who, what, when, where, why, and hows of the kid and I would then become secondary. Obviously I’m not a moron. I’m fully aware that having a child is significant, life-changing, overwhelming, challenging, etc. I also know that my selfish reasons for wanting a child 100% indicate that I’m not ready to have a real one but I need a fake one.
A fake one? Yes. Ya know how when someone is working on an old car, fixing it up, and getting it in perfect condition, the friends and family of the person fixing up the car might call the car that person’s “baby?” Well I need a baby! I need to figure out what it is that I can throw myself completely into to settle the roller coaster that is my brain and emotions. Nothing is overly fulfilling for me right now. My day job is what it is and will take time to really become something, if it ever does. My side jobs are what they are and don’t quite satisfy my intellectual needs as they should. Any hobbies I have are often in third place after spending time with my man, my friends, oh and having 2.5 paying jobs. I need something that I and those around me can refer to as “my baby” other than my loving boyfriend. Part of my stress and anxiety is that I think I know what “my baby” could be but I have yet to allocate the time to get involved. Why is that? I wonder. Is it that the project feels so big that I don’t know where to start? Perhaps. No matter what the reason, I really need to focus on “my baby” and not just say I’m going to do it.
Sassarella Says…I must go do. And if you know me at all, you will know that I will be working on this “baby” completely privately and you won’t know it exists until I’m done…or almost done. Good day.