“You have to find a way to carve yourself back into your own life,” my mom said after I re-hashed a little spat my boyfriend and I had a few hours before about how we were going to spend a Saturday afternoon. Eff. We’re really here again? I’m finding myself again?! Aren’t I found yet? I guess not because we realized that I seem to be a little lost in the chaos of my 20-something mind, the uneasiness of a first job, and the ecstasy of a big and powerful love.
As I lied there on the floor of my studio, looking around at the clutter and the madness that often is my place, I knew what I had to do. I cleaned, I re-organized, I purged, and de-cluttered my
living space part-time living space. I thought about what else I could de-clutter; my schedule is erratic, my sleeping patterns are effed up, and my life lacks lists.
Years ago I couldn’t get through a day without a list. Correction: I couldn’t get through a day without the list for the day that also correlated with the list for the week….which also correlated with the list for the month. Excessive? A bit. However, I felt no greater pride and joy than when I violently scratched an item off the list and eventually had enough items scratched off to throw the list out and start over again.
So, I must write more lists. I carry a notebook around with me, my bible, that used to be strictly for lists and creative purposes. Now that notebook is full of work BS….numbers, merchants, customers, revenue tabs, emails to write, calls to make, boring stuff. That being said, I need to write more in general. I almost hate to admit it because it’s so g.d. typical but I recently watched the first season of Lena Dunham’s HBO series, Girls, from start to finish and of course, I loved it. I swayed back and forth between adoration and envy with every sentence that came out of her writing, producing, and acting mouth. At least twice a week I think about how badly I want to take a two week vacation all by myself to write. I think about how much of a first draft of a novel or a pilot episode I could get down on paper with two weeks of nothing else to worry about. But then oh yeah, reality sets in and rent has to be paid, food needs to be in my belly, and the Internet in my apartment needs to be on so the vaycay will have to wait. I digress.
Now in this carving that I’ll be doing, I need to be careful not to rock the boat in my big and powerful love life. I need to recognize that we are stable, as stable as a relationship can be since we’re all examples of how these things are ever-changing and growing. I need to think back to the person I was when he first met me because there are aspects of her personality and tendencies that I want to be again. I want to make more lists, I want to write creatively, and I want to be an organized and busy neat freak like I used to be.
In the beginning of a relationship, it’s positively thrilling that someone is happy to literally do nothing with you all day long. It’s acceptable to lie in bed, cuddle, go eat, and watch television even though your single self would’ve most likely been doing something productive in those hours. Then one day you wake up and you realize, “Hey, this relationship thing is pretty solid and this is awesome but if that’s the case, I can’t do nothing for the rest of my life.” What kind of life would we have together if we just lied in bed all day? In theory, it sounds lovely and on occasion it’s just what the doctor ordered but what I know to be true is that my relationship will always be happier and healthier when I’m fulfilled on my own as well.
Sassarella Says…To be truly content (and to be truly complete in my relationship, especially one that’s going to last a long ass time), I need to make lists, cross things off the lists, keep my place clean and organized, write a blog post once a week, go to yoga, and have time to be in my head. I need to wander around on my own, run errands, listen to music, and carve the individual out of the mosh pit that is a relationship. But what’s really great is that the other half of this mosh pit will be there with me the whole time.