I exist in a world in which I rely on a higher power. I rely on intentions set by the universe that I cannot control. I believe that things happen for a reason and that even if it takes awhile, that things will always work out for me. I have faith in those intentions and know that no matter how terrible the situation is, that whatever it is will pass.
I moved to Washington, DC with the knowing intention that to live in this city makes me happy. I spent the first few months here bonding in a stronger way with old friends, addicting myself to yoga, working at a job that I love, and having a great time with a guy. I thought things could not get any better, which inherently made me weary of when, as they say, the other shoe would drop. In the last few months, the other shoe was on its way to dropping, hard core. As I mentioned in a previous post, I was spreading myself too thin and all that made me happy went out the window. I stopped spending as much time with my friends, one Silly Sally in particular, I stopped going to yoga, I resented the job I loved for taking me away from sleeping, and I lost the guy. I never actually thought about leaving DC, but hell I barely had time to even think about being unhappy because I was too busy and therefore exhausted. I did wonder how long I could possibly go on this way though.
Finally, one piece of the puzzle worked itself out. My faith was restored in yous with the penises. One of you guys actually started to do things right and believe me I fought it off. I fought it off hard because I was busy, tired, and down right terrified but I thankfully knew when it was time to stop fighting him off. He has restored my faith in commitment and in the idea that two people can actually be in this together, so to speak. I have little to zero doubts and it feels good.
Despite that, those other pieces still nagged at me. I visited New Jersey for a weekend in the midst of all of this. It was amazing. It felt better than ever to be in my house with my parents and my dog and to see most of my core group of girl friends. The ease at which we fall right back into place only proves how deeply connected we are and how when we post on Facebook once a week, “I MISS YOU!!!!! Love you, betch!” that we truly mean it. I can speak candidly with them about anything in the world. I have complete trust in these women and just seeing Tanya sitting next to me at dinner made me smile. Lauren and I had that moment at the bar, facing each other as we danced and mouthing to each other how much we miss the other one. That moment is immediately followed up by the other moment in which we both yell at each other, “STOP, don’t go there, STOP” aka we don’t want to start sobbing in the middle of the Sona dance floor. I watched Hillary and Gabs bop around the bar, making a scene as usual, and couldn’t help but sigh a big sigh of relief that nothing has changed around here. I have complete faith in my ties to New Jersey.
Although, it was tough. It was really tough to leave, especially when I knew I was going back to a land where my faith and happiness was a bit shaky. I put up with the shakiness for another week or so before I had finally had enough, but you already know about that.
So thankfully I am here to say that my faith has been restored. While walking home from yoga I had that corny moment that I tend to have every now and then about my life. I looked around DuPont Circle and watched people walking around, getting in and out of cabs, chatting with their friends at outdoor cafes and it hit me; today my faith in Washington, DC was restored. It was quite possibly the most perfect weather I could ever ask for, I was strutting around in yoga pants, listening to a great song, and I felt amazing. I looked around and thought, “I LIVE HERE. WOOT!” I got home and he stopped by just to say hello. Apparently others are noticing a difference too because the first thing he said was, “You’re smiling. I like it.” Just goes to show how rare those were for awhile there.
And now I’m sitting at a outdoor coffee shop, listening to music, and writing a blog post. I have a cute new summer scarf and my “aren’t I so artsy” glasses on, an iced coffee in hand, and my “bible” out. I feel like me again. I am finally, once again, the person who I’ve been cursing off for the past few months because walking by them made me envious of their release, their freedom, and their personal time. I realized that it’s easy to lose faith in yourself, in your lifestyle, in your relationships, or in your city but if you want it back, you can have it. Sometimes we lose faith because at our core we really don’t want something we once had faith in, whatever it is, and it eats away at us until we either make a change or let it defeat us. But this girl, yeah this one right here, really did not want to hate Washington, DC or my life here. I really wanted to love it again and aha! I do. Faith comes to those open to accepting it.
Restoration of faith.