Feeling oh so uninspired to write, yet knowing this is the only day I have free to get something off the ground, I frantically searched blogs, read articles, and listened to the most random music on my iTunes hoping for something to inspire me. When I finally found it, I felt a little sick and quite frustrated but ultimately motivated. Remember this girl? The blogger who is in a relationship with a former booty call of mine? Ehem, let me re-phrase, the blogger who is in a relationship with a former booty call of mine WHILE HE WAS STILL MY BOOTY CALL!! I only found out he was in a relationship based on her blog…..like really with this technology sh!t. Well in the months since I’ve written about her, they have broken up (WAHOOOO! Thank god she’s free of this man) but have since gotten back to together on and are still unhappy blah biddy blahh biddy blah.
Anyway, as I read another saga about how their Valentine’s Day was a failure and how giving their relationship a THIRD try isn’t going so well (shocker, I know), one thing hit a nerve. She mentioned some of the ridiculous and careless words they threw at each other, including how he told her that her blog is a “relationship killer” and that she should take it down.
Ok, so now not only are you a cheating d-bag but you dare to throw daggers at her blog! I should mention that she is currently writing a book based off of it aka you are disgracing her passion and what she hopes will bring her success and satisfaction. What an ass.
Obviously I can relate to his opinion that it is a relationship killer but I can also appreciate her desire to keep it up and running (so help me if she ever takes it down, I’ll cyberspace punch her). When it came to the guy who made the man in the pit of my stomach go crazy, I never wrote about it until it was over. Once it was over, I took some heat from our mutual friends for so publicly expressing my feelings. They felt it was weird and uncomfortable, since of course they knew who I was talking about. I didn’t care because this is how I work through my sh!t. This is how I get it all out of my system and it worked.
It was easy when I was dating guys who I knew would never see what I wrote without my permission. We didn’t know a lot of the same people, nor were we Facebook friends, which made it very easy to write about them freely and honestly. I guess there have been times that I’ve written about guys who I know will read it, like Roller Coaster and Bob, but I only had to answer to them and a few close friends who were on my side. In the last six months that I’ve lived in DC that is not the case. Between the guy who made the man in the pit of my stomach go crazy and whatever is presently happening, I can’t write sh!t. Why? Because it is a relationship killer. Relationships, whether we like it or not, are games that we play like chess players. Who is going to text first? Do we see each other too much? Should I pull back? Is he avoiding me? Am I avoiding him? That being said, if I were to write in detail about what is going on and how I’m feeling about it then I lose my hand. I lose my power.
Additionally, there is more to said here about privacy, dignity, and preservation of character. When I know that an entire culture (mob, crew, social circle) of people will know exactly what he’s saying and doing in the privacy of our time that’s no bueno. Some of you might be wondering how I can say that and yet I wrote so much about the guy who made the man in the pit of my stomach go crazy and here’s my simple little answer: he really pissed me off. But good thing we’re past that….
The moral of the story is that I’ve got blogger problems. The first one is that the area of inspiration these days is one that I cannot write about. And the second one is figuring out deep down why I can’t write about it. Is what I would write something too revealing, too brutally honest, and possibly hurtful for whomever it is about? Which would make this blog a relationship killer. I mean I’m even censoring myself right now. I took out a few sentences and re-worded this paragraph at least twice! Or is it simply that what I would write about is none of anyone in that culture’s (aka bar crew of people’s) damn business? It’s the first rule of fight club, you don’t talk about it. You don’t talk about your love life whether they know the guy or they don’t because when they are given too much information based on what I write, then this blog becomes a relationship killer.
Sassarella Says…ugh. The most frustrating thing for a blogger is censorship, especially when you are censoring yourself for the sake of another.