As all of you know, I am very into hot yoga these days. I attend yoga at an actual yoga studio, not as part of a gym so they are very yoga-ish. What I mean by yoga-ish is that they believe yoga will solve all of your problems. They believe in the spiritual aspect of yoga and are constantly reminding us of the value of simply breathing. Classes are not called classes, they are a “practice.” We start and end each practice with three h’oms. “H’ooommmmmmmm, h’ooommmmmmm, h’oommmmm” (I have yet to actually participate in that but I’m working towards it). There’s no music, we are asked to “set an intention” for our practice before beginning, and the teacher will say things like, “allow yourself this time to breathe” or “believe and tap into your inner strength” or “this is your practice, you are your own person, and you are worth it” yada yada. Most of the time I ignore this stuff because it feels like it’s a bit much and a little cheesy. Please, I’m there to get skinny.
This week I took a class on Monday night and a class on Wednesday led by the same teacher. She gave the same speech before starting both practices. The speech was about how we tend to live our lives from a place of void. We’re always waiting for life to come together. We’re simply existing right now but eventually life will start. Eventually we will get the great job, we will meet the right person, we will have the fancy car but right now we just exist in a place of waiting. She obviously wrapped it around by saying, “this is the now, this is your life and it’s happening now so be in it.” When I heard it on Monday, I wanted to punch her because I didn’t want to hear it, I just wanted to sweat. I also knew what was coming because she is by far the most challenging instructor at the studio. She had us do, and I kid you not, twelve wheels that night (if you know yoga, you know that sh!t cray). However, on Wednesday night I felt differently about her speech. Sophie took the class with me and after the instructor finished her talk, Soph looked at me and said, “how fitting is that for us both to hear right now.” At the time I still didn’t think much about it because I was too busy getting my ass kicked. So much so that Sophie even commented to me after our third freakin’ crow pose, “YOU BETTER BLOG ABOUT THIS!”
It’s funny because part of why I hate the speeches and the little reminders throughout a practice to give ourselves a break is because I feel guilty. I feel like the instructors are assuming I have a reason to need a break. I feel guilty taking a break when I don’t feel like I’m doing anything. Does that make sense? I don’t go to a 9-5 job, I’m not taking tough classes, I’m not raising four kids, and any stresses I have are ones that I have the power to change. I feel guilty that my life allows me to take a 4pm yoga class when everyone else is at work. When I talk of not having any real knowledge of where my life is going and people respond by saying, “well as long as you’re happy, that’s all that matters, right?” I agree with them but in the back of my mind, I think differently. Is it all that matters? Or maybe I’m not as happy as I think I am because I’m still waiting for something to happen.
Maybe some of you are confused because for the past couple of months I’ve dedicated entire posts to how much I’m doing, how much fun I’m having, and why I’m loving my life but despite all of it, I’ve felt guilty. And recently, I’ve even started to feel stuck. In the last week, a few things happened to me that are snapping me out of those feelings, thank God.
First of all, I met with a super fabulous friend about another part-time job. I’m going to be hosting Boomerang party bus tours. www.ridetheboomerang.com. I’m so excited about it because it’s something new, something fun, and something I expect to be good at. I’m excited knowing that I will meet new people with every party I host. I’m excited knowing that I will explore more of Washington, DC, and I’m excited knowing that I’ll be making some money. Gosh dern rent! Bah!
I went on an interview at a clothing store for another part-time job. Throughout the interview I spoke of my fashion background and how I could see making a career in the field. For those of you who don’t know, I had many internships in fashion throughout high school and until I stepped into a bar, I was absolutely certain that I would make a career in the industry. Then hospitality became my thing, and although I haven’t given up on that, it would be nice to get back in touch with shoes and a-line skirts. I also exuded a confidence in the interview that I had forgotten about. Working at Rhino, I am comfortable and confident in my abilities to serve, to sell, and to work hard, but I realized on that interview that I miss being challenged. Of course Rhino presents challenges but they are ones that I know how to handle. I miss the intellectual side of me a little bit. Now I know working retail in DuPont isn’t going to stimulate me for more than the first week but it could be a stepping stone towards something bigger. Who knows, maybe I love it and make my way up the company into corporate. Or maybe down the road I move to another store in another state. The point is this: I need to be challenged in life to feel good about myself and I was reminded of that this week.
I also figured out this week that I’m very happy on my own and I mean that in two ways. The first way I mean it is literally on my own in DC. Every now and then I’m lonely in my little studio and I miss my friends and family in New Jersey but overall, I love it. For whatever reason this week I had several friends comment on how they would love to be out from under their parents’ roof and on their own like me. Yes, the pressure to come up with rent is killer. Yes, the constant need to watch my spending is stressful. Yes, there are times when I wish someone was there when I go home at night but it’s all worth it. It’s not supposed to be easy and I don’t think I’d like it if it were. Not to mention, I have extremely helpful and patient parents who make it easier to survive. I’m twenty-two and I live on my own in Washington, DC. Pretty effing awesome.
And the second way in which I mean “on my own” is romantically. I figured this one out by attempting to test the waters with a new guy yet again. I got about two toes in the water and said, “nope, never mind!” I don’t want the drama, the hassle, or the stress. A few weeks ago, I told you I put up a wall because I was afraid of getting hurt again but now it’s different. There’s no wall and it’s not that “I’m not ready” or that “I haven’t moved on” because *mazel tov* I have finally gotten over it but I’m simply content. It really hit me Wednesday night at a staff invite at the Whale. A solid group of friends showed up for Simo’s last night (miss you already) and I had an absolute blast. I’m happy to enjoy the time with my friends, I’m excited to start my new jobs, and that’s that. I don’t want to have to explain myself or be accountable to anyone but myself. When people say, “just do you” it’s never felt more relatable than right now. I’m doing me and it feels great (that’s what she said).
Sassarella Says…I hate to be corny but I must say, live in the now. I had some experiences this week that snapped me back to life. Since moving to DC, I’ve said that I’m okay with the fact that I don’t have a career, the special someone, or knowledge of where my life is going but I didn’t mean it. I wasn’t okay with it but I have to let that go because this is my life. I have to let go of the stress in my uncertainty because in a week I’m hopeful again. I have to let go of that nagging feeling that other people see me as not doing anything productive because I am. I come from a part of the country, from a generation, and from a university that expects so much so fast. All three cultures expect that you start your career right away and make a lot of money off the bat but I have to let that go. Would it have been nice if I knew exactly what I wanted to do and did it? Of course, but that was not and still isn’t the case for me. I have to let it go and accept that right now my life consists of multiple jobs, a sick apartment in Washington, DC, an incredible social circle, the best support system of friends and family in New Jersey, and a killer rack 😉 Things could be much worse.