Sassarella, "you’re the worst!"

So down in DC we have a saying and that saying is, “you’re the worst!” Don’t ask me how it got started because I really have no idea but we have come to use this phrase in all sorts of ways. Por ejemplo:

Person 1: Take a picture!
Person 2: Damn, my camera died.
Person 1: You’re the worst!
Person 1: Crap, I can’t find my keys.
Person 2: The worst!
Person 1: Sorry I’m taking so long to enter this order on the computer.
Person 2: Ohh you’re the worst!
Manager enters room and see his employees doing their make-up at the bar: “You guys are the worst!”
Girl attempts to make me a smoothie but spills it all over the floor: “The worst!”

So ya see, we use “you’re the worst” or simplified to “the worst” to over-exaggerate simple, daily life tasks and happenings. Sometimes a person doesn’t even have to say anything. You can just look at him, shake your head, and say, “you’re the worst.” It’s not a very nice saying but since we all do it and since we do it to describe the most silly of situations, it has almost come to be a phrase of endearment.

ANYWAY, the point is that I am the WORST and so is everyone around me.

Mom, YOU’RE THE WORST for going to Italy last week. We barely communicated for a whole eight days and it felt like an eternity. I needed to vent, I needed to brag, I needed to question, I needed to laugh, and you weren’t there. A whole eight days. Good grief. You left and I thought, “oh it will be fine” but no, it wasn’t fine at all.

Dad, YOU’RE THE WORST for calling me on my way to work, while I’m sleeping, or just after I wake up. These are not convenient or opportune times to talk. I’m cranky, I’m hungover, I’m tired, and sometimes a little emotional or stressed. All of these adjectives make it very hard to be nice and enthusiastic towards an innocent bystander.

Lauren, YOU’RE THE WORST for living what feels like a gazillion miles away from me! Why haven’t you figured out how to move the entire Fairfield University to Washington, DC, Virginia, or Maryland?! I’m calling John!

Gabadoo, YOU’RE THE WORST for being born in November. I’ll be home for a few days at most, which does not make it easy to help properly celebrate your 23rd birthday. I’m making a motion that you move your date of birthday to later in the year when I will more easily make it home to NYC.

Tanya Bo Banya, YOU’RE THE WORST for making me fall even more in love with you this summer. We kicked our friendship up to high gear and were then ripped apart. YOU HAD ME AT HELLO! But you’re still the worst.

Hil Horo Babes, YOU’RE THE WORST because the group of friends you jet set all over the world with never come to DC. I mean sure rooftop bars, bottle service, and Spanish princes are nice and all but do they sing Drake’s “Find Your Love” with you? Do they? “I’m more than just an option, HEY HEY HEY!” And do they harass Sona bartenders and floor staff with you? Do they? I think not.

My sister, YOU’RE THE WORST for being super important. That real job you have with those late nights at the office suck because they make you tired and less likely to be awake at 3AM when I have time to chat. You make real money and you plan vacations to hot spots, like Vegas, but does Vegas have Sign of the Whale? Does Vegas have your “cool sister who lives in DC?” You’re the worst.

Sophie, YOU’RE THE WORST for dragging me to yoga on Friday. I was sick, I was tired, and in a horrible mood but noooo we just had to be productive. Oh sure and making me go to Qdoba after where I absolutely love the queso and letting me vent on and on about my life while you just sit there and listen. Some friend you are.

You, YOU’RE THE WORST because…

George, YOU’RE THE WORST at work. I’m moving as fast as I can to clean up…you think I wanna be there any later than you do? Sure, go ahead and kick my legs out from under me or pull my pony tail. One minute we’re yelling and bickering at each other and the next we’re laughing about how slow the bartenders count their money. The worst.

Oscar, YOU’RE THE WORST because you beat the crap outta me and get me silly drunk. You push me, you flip me over your shoulder, you pinch me until I’m cracking up with laughter. You ask me to come out to the Whale, take my picture, and pour me vodka sodas. Yeah, so what I had the time of my life, you’re still the worst.

And Brittany, oh my Brittany, YOU’RE THE WORST in every way possible. You are in my head and finish my sentences. I mean can’t I have my own thoughts without you already anticipating what I’m going to say? The worst. You feed me, you take me to new places, you listen to my sh!t, and talk me off the ledge. You’re silly, you’re a Sally, and you’re the worst.

Remember when I said “you’re the worst” is a term of endearment?

Well, Mom, I was expressing anger but the true message is that I can’t last a week without ya. The “need you / I’m hurting” phone call was necessary and I will fully appreciate the times when I’m actually able to make it. Your insight and your opinion means probably too much to me but I don’t hate it.

Dad, don’t think I don’t know how lucky I am to have a dad who calls….even if the call comes when I’m at work, hungover, or PMS-ing.

Lauren, simply put, I need you in my life. Anytime I see best friends wandering around Georgetown or stumble into Rhino, I think of you. I see a boxer and I think of you. I eat M&Ms and I think of you. I wear a black dress and I think of you. I hear Avicii and I think of you. I pick up Little Louis and I think of you. I have queso at Qdoba and I think of you. This best friend stuff is hard core.

Gabbie, I’m sad. I’m sad that I have no idea if I’ll be able to be with you, my biffle, on her birthday! It’s stupid.

Tanya Bo Banya, it’s all my fault. I moved away. I left you, my die hard love, for another city. You, me, two bottles of wine, mussels in red sauce, and a kick ass night out to Sona and Tomato Pie would hit the spot right now. I need that.

Hil Horo Babes, come to DC and I’ll make you a believer. Or just move Nonna’s down here so I can work there and see you every day. Do it.

Sister, one of these days I’ll get a real job and make real money too. That way I’ll be able to jet set off to Vegas with ya or have normal living hours so that my only free time isn’t while you’re off being so g.d. important!

Sophie, always make me be productive. It changed my whole day. Down Dog and queso anytime!

George, by the end of the weekend I need to yell at someone. I’ve spent the last 48 hours being polite, picking up half eaten chicken wings, and fighting my way through crowds of drunk and rowdy people. I need to bicker and be cranky and as stupid as it is, I know we can do that and move on from it. Now I’m not saying do anything on purpose but sometimes we just gotta b!tch it out.

Oscar, your bear hugs are ridiculous and by ridiculous I mean wonderful. Throwing ice at me, yelling something absurd just to get me to laugh, or simply asking how I’m doing are little things that don’t go unnoticed. I adore ya whether ya like it or not!

And Brittany, I can admit whole-heartedly that I would not have lasted a week in DC if it were not for you. You have intensely impacted how much fun I’ve had but more importantly, you have become a very good friend. I feel weird when I go a day without seeing you.

And the rest of ya, the usual Saturday and Sunday crew, you are all the worst. You don’t allow me to fret, to worry, or to sweat the small stuff. You don’t allow me to be sad or mad because the only attitude you will tolerate is the happy-go-lucky, kick ass Sassarella style waitress and for that I am grateful.

Sassarella Says….so really, none of you are the worst at all.

About sasssays

The trials, the tribulations, and the triumphs of a sassy and sophisticated 20 something girl
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