Please be advised that I am writing this on the day that I am really moving to DC. I’m not going back to NJ on Monday or next weekend and it’s finally sinking in. Normally on a day like today, I would say to myself, “there’s not a shot you can write today…way too emotional.” Yes, I actually have days that I forbid myself to write because I am way to involved in my emotions and God knows what the hell I would end up saying on this thing. But here I am, on the freakin’ Boltbus, exhausted and wondering how I’m ever going to make it through this weekend still standing….actually, come to think of it, I probably won’t finish it standing. I’ll be crawling my ass home on Sunday night.
Anyway, I got upset this morning leaving my little Luc. I have no idea when I’ll be able to get home again and since he’s not a person who can come down and visit for the weekend, I cried giving him one last pet on the head. I got upset looking around my room too. I had the same feeling as I did when I left for my first day of college four years ago. In the days before leaving I am so preoccupied with the crap I have to do that it’s not until those last few seconds that I really look around at what’s happening. Oh geez, this is getting weird. I’m already taking back my worries about work this weekend because it’s probably a blessing that I’ll be too busy to think about the fact that I just moved out of the house that I grew up in, the house that my parents and dog still live in, the house that my car still rests in, the house that is close to my friends, the house that is around the corner from my gym, the house that housed the girls after Sona, and the house that ironically made me really want to move out. It’s particularly weird because, although it is unlikely that it will happen before I could be home for Thanksgiving, our house will get sold this year. Woweeee, what if I’m actually never in my house again?! Ok, I gotta stop.
Other than today being the day I move to Washington, DC, I’ve had another little sumptin’ sumptin’ on my mind. Take a g.d. guess at what it is…ohh haayyy hayyy L-O-V-E. (Or whatever it is that you call it when actually calling it love is VERY aggressive and like woah). I have not been able to figure out why the universe brought someone into my life at a time when it is completely inconvenient, illogical, and unreasonable that we actually be together. Geographically, we won’t be together and we’re both just getting started in new chapters, new years, etc. (Yikes, am I actually saying that one of the “Sassarella, I love you BUT…” statements has some validity?! Damn). It’s really been bugging me because obviously as much as I’ve wanted this, I know it’s not the right time. I don’t want to like someone who I can’t actually be with, see, and continue to get to know. However, I think I’m realizing that other than it just simply being that I’ve had a great time with him the last couple of weeks, that I also really needed all of this to happen.
According to the Rolling Stones, “you can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need.” I didn’t necessarily want this but I needed it. I needed to be reminded of what it was like to feel this way and know that it is possible. For the sake of everyone who isn’t actually in my head or heart, “to feel this way,” is not me claiming to have found love or total fulfillment but for the first time in a very long time it wasn’t just about a sexual attraction. I mean, let’s call a spade a spade, it’s always about that on some level but it can also be more of an added bonus. I’ve talked about this before, the confusion between the positives and negatives of sexual attraction. In this case, I never questioned whether or not I was being used, I was never pressured or uncomfortable, and I genuinely laughed a lot. Better yet, I smiled a lot. And not the kind of smile that I make when I don’t trust you but don’t want to walk away yet, but the kind of smile that feels really good.
I’m often told, “You’re so young! Don’t get serious. Meet as many people as you can right now,” which is great except for the part about our generation thinking it’s totally normal (and acceptable) to mess around as soon as possible. With all of these supposedly awesome new people I’m expected to meet all the time, I don’t always get that moment. I needed to be reminded of that moment right after the messing around. The moment when you kinda feel like the world stops and nothing else outside of where you are even matters. I really forgot how wonderful it is on any level. It doesn’t just have to be after sex, it can be after a high school style make-out sesh as long as you feel you’ve got that connection. That moment is totally safe and vulnerable. In that moment you can communicate things that you wouldn’t normally be able to say. I feel very sexy in that moment, more so than in any other. In that moment you know that you’re as close as you can physically get but it somehow doesn’t feel quite close enough. You reveal a side of yourself that even your closest friends and family members have never seen nor could they even imagine you in such a way. Think about one of your best friends and try to imagine them being lovey dovey and mushy…weird and kinda gross right? (LOL). Anyway, this moment sometimes doesn’t even last five minutes, it could only be for a few seconds, but if you’re lucky you get hours of it.
More recently, as in the last few years, I’ve found myself wishing and hoping that this moment doesn’t end because I know once we part ways that everything changes. Even as soon as you sit up straight, everything is different and I found myself holding onto these moments because in situations with these guys, I was never secure in how we would interact afterwards (if at all). This time, I didn’t want it to end for good reasons, not anxious ones. I have no idea when I will see “Doozy” again, it could be a long time and while it’s a tad upsetting, I can’t help but be happy. I’m happy I got to meet him, spend some time with him, and enjoy the last couple of weeks. I’m happy to have been reminded of these feelings even though I know that things change quickly and who knows if he and I will ever have them again. Either way, it’s okay because like I said, I’m just happy that it happened for a short time as opposed to not happening at all.
Last weekend Brittany and I were talking about men, relationships, moving, and football season. She advised me to stay single for the first few months that I’m back in DC because it’s such a hectic and exciting time in my life. My immediate response was a sarcastic, “yeah, like I’ll really have to work hard at that!” However, I think I’m going to do just that. I was smacked in the face with what I’ve been missing in my single days but now that I’ve had a taste, I’m gonna hold out for a bit longer.
Sassarella Says…yeah, I’m single and you’re going to have to be pretty f*cking awesome to change that. Exsqueeeeze my French, but that was important. So by spending time with “Doozy,” I saw what I know I could have but the cards just haven’t quite lined up yet. I didn’t want to meet someone and then have to leave. However, I did need to be reminded of the good stuff, like the really good stuff that I’ve had melt downs over not having in my life. The stuff that I know is out there but have settled for less in recent times and I ain’t doing it anymore. I’m going to be single for the time being and remind myself of that moment (and all of it’s implications) the next time I even think about giving out my digits. I can’t tell you what to do with your life – maybe you just got out of a phase full of those moments and just want some time to not give a sh!t – but just make sure it’s what you want. And if you have yet to experience the pleasure of that moment, well get ready because when it hits, it hits hard and all you’re ever going to want is to have it over and over and over again.