Dear Any Future Man in Sassarella’s Life,
First of all, Future Man, please notice how I did not address this letter to my “Future Boyfriend.” You may find this calculated choice of words to be comforting in that it does not imply a real commitment, since that seems to be something you are afraid of or don’t have the time for. However, I refrained from using such a word as, oh emm gee, (brace yourselves) boyfriend because I have changed my own expectations as well. Consider this, as much as I’d like to have a boyfriend, I have realized that in the bigger picture, that is not really what I want right now. I have every intention of moving out of the great state of New Jersey to a place that is a plane ride away and I have little interest in a future man who changes my mind about this. Whether it takes me a month, 6 months, or (God forbid) an entire year to move, I will be in California, Texas, somewhere! I would not want to be so attached, so involved, and so in love with you, Future Man, that it would make me not want to leave nor do I want another long-distance relationship. Future Man, I am a believer in every thing happens for a reason so if you absolutely rock my world and change my mind on any of this, well then so be it but for now while you are still make believe, I have the ability to control the situation.
Future Man, my readers are all shaking their heads’ right now. They cannot even believe the words they are reading because they have been through it all with me. They have read about the countless failed dates, miserable situations, attempts to re-kindle past loves, and how I’ve somehow managed to remain hopeful throughout it all. Future Man, an average of 150 people are ready to kiss the freakin’ ground you walk on. Some will kiss it so that I can finally shut the eff up. Some will kiss it because they are ready to see me happy. And some will kiss it because they know that while we may be in newly found bliss, that there will undoubtedly be more stories to come from our non-relationship relationship.
While we’re on the subject, Future Man, you should know that I write a blog. All of my posts are based on the real-life, nitty gritty, down and dirty experiences of Sassarella’s daily and long-term life. The basis of my writing could from something you say, something you do, or anything that you fail to say or do. Be prepared for this, Future Man. Most things that happen between us, if they occur in public, should be considered fair game when it comes to posting but I promise to use discretion when it comes to our private life. Future Man, you should also understand that of the 150 people who read my blog, there is only a small handful of people who will actually know who the heck you are. I know this because I know that I don’t individually communicate with 150 people very often so the majority of my readers read about my life for entertainment and as a means of relating to my experiences. They do not read because they really care to find out the true identities of the many code-named men. Basically what I’m telling you, Future Man, is please don’t be surprised when you wake up one day to a Facebook notification from “Sassarella Says” asking you to read my new post staring you.
Since I have set up a somewhat fuzzy situation for us, Future Man, let me explain a little bit more. I believe there is a difference between “casual and non-committed” and “convenient and careless.” There is a big difference between keeping things light versus making me feel insignificant. For instance, I don’t need to talk to you all day, every day but don’t go a week without getting in touch with me. Constant communication is saved for my friends and for men who are looking to make a commitment. Since we are not simply friends nor are we interested in a full-on relationship, this type of behavior is not necessary. Where’s the catch, right? The catch is that if you go too long without communicating, I will assume you haven’t thought of me in that long and that is no bueno. We can have fun and enjoy each other’s company but I will not be your back-up plan. I will not be someone you talk to or see because you didn’t find anything better at the bar.
And while we’re on the late-night, post-drinking subject, Future Man, I am not your booty call. You should know that I am currently in a Patti Stanger phase of, “no sex before monogamy.” As long as we are not exclusively seeing each other, my pants (or skirt or dress or whatever) are staying on. The ship on which this was not the case has sailed far away.
I might be scaring my future man with this detailed list of criteria but if whoever he is ever happens to read this, he should remember that this is not real life. Meaning…my blog is a forum in which I express every single thought I have at the same time which does not exist in real life. I would never meet someone and immediately dump all of this on him. Additionally, keep in mind that while there is certainly PLENTY of truth behind my words, my blog is meant to entertain.
With all of that being said, Future Man, based on events in recent weeks, I have discovered that there are just three things that I want you to know right now. The first is that the little things go a long way. Sending me a quick text, telling me you think I look great tonight, and holding my hand are small, easy to do gestures that go a long way. They don’t take too much time but they let me know you care without being too serious. Aka I promise I won’t think you want to marry me but it will make me feel like a million bucks in that moment. I am a highly expressive person so you can be sure the gestures will be returned. And that’s what it’s all about, right? It’s about feeling good and enjoying the moments. This should be fun and as soon as it’s not….I’m out.
However, I understand that there might be times when I want to punch you or when you might want to toss me out of a moving car but as long as those reasons aren’t anything catastrophic, there is leeway in the “I’m out” policy. This brings me to the second thing I want you to know and that is that sometimes you forgive a person simply because you want that person in your life. What I’m saying is that the expectation that things will be perfect is just dumb but the ratio to fabulous should definitely be favorable.
Before I mention the third “thing” that I want you to know, Future Man, I’d like to go back to what I said earlier about this not being real life. I can’t help but notice how high-maintenance and a little bit crazy all of this might seem to an actual potential future man. The fact that I even wrote a post like this seems to contradict the notion that I can do casual and be free-spirited but like I said, this is all considering that on my blog I can create a perfect world scenario. So how this brings me to point number three is that I don’t care what we do, how we do it, or where we’re doing it but what matters is that we’re doing it together and for the time being we’re enjoying it. Over the course of the weekend, having to do with moving and other matters, I heard the phrase, “it’s not where you are that matters, it’s who you’re with.” I’m applying this to you, Future Man, because despite the fact that I just wrote this post, all that really matters to me is that you’re making me happy and I’m doing the same for you.
So Sassarella Says…Future Man, given the opportunity (like on my blog), I have a lot to say about you and what I want from you. However, the bottom line is that whoever you are and at whatever phase of my life you enter into the picture, I only want two things: that we make each other happy and that at a given time we define for ourselves what making each other happy actually means.