This One Time I…

“It’s better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring” – Marilyn Monroe

I can’t believe the summer is like um over. Where did it go? I also can’t believe that I’m missing Georgetown already. Everyone always said that once you graduate, all you ever want to do is go back and I thought, “yeah, everyone but me!” Boy, was I wrong. I would give a lot of things to be packing up my stuff and getting ready for another school year, another football season working at Rhino, and another year of Leo’s, Yates, and Lau! While reminiscing about some of the fabulous and outrageous times I had in college, I found myself thinking, “This one time I…” about almost everything. Here are some things, some that happened while at Georgetown and some that did not, that you might not know about me…

This one time I almost broke my butt in a police car. Who knew that the backseat of a police car was plastic?! I didn’t! Before you start freaking out, thinking I got a arrested or something, let me explain. To the Washington, DC police officers who patrolled the Georgetown neighborhood, I became known as “the Rhino girl from Jersey who runs a lot.” Typical. The officers watched out for me whether I was running at night, stumbling home after drinking, or serving beers at the bar. They often gave me rides but I never sat in the backseat nor did I ever even glance behind the cage. However this one time, Meghan and I wanted a ride from Rhino to another bar and I told her to take the front. Well, little naïve me went bouncing into the back seat and BAM my poor butt was bruised. At first it didn’t hurt too badly but by the time we got to the other bar, hopped out of the po po car, and sat down on a bar stool, I needed another drink fo sho. Confused about the two girls who got driven there by the cops, the bartenders obliged my request for a shot rather quickly. 

This one time I met Derek Jeter at the Short Hills Mall. Out of no where my brother says to me, “Wow, Christie check out that stud over there…” I look over and I’m like, “MATT!! Are you kidding me?! That’s Derek Jeter!” I’m sure Matt then asked me who Derek Jeter is but he also, being the amazing brother that he is, walked me right over to him and asked him for his autograph. WOOT!

This one time I hooked up with Santa Claus. Washington, DC and particularly the Georgetown neighborhood gets VERY excited about Halloween. M Street is basically shut down and there isn’t a person dressed in normal clothes for blocks (except for maybe my former boss). I was pseudo seeing someone in the fall, aka Newseum man boy (before he became Newseum man boy, obviously) and at some point on the day of Halloween, I get a text that says, “Ho ho ho!” I responded, “Wrong holiday! What’s up?” (I just thought he was being a weirdo) Later on, I (the life size Bud Light can) got in a cab to meet him not having put together the pieces from the text that afternoon. I will never forget the image of him stumbling around on the corner waiting for me in a full body Santa suit. He had the hat, the beard, the belly, everything! It was a sight to see. Arm-in-arm, Santa Claus and Bud Light went walking towards whatever bar it was that we went to and later, I hooked up with Santa Claus. Maybe if he hadn’t turned into such a d-bag, I might have gotten a little extra sumptin’ for Christmas.

This one time my mom and I dined and dashed. If you’ve ever been to the Au Bon Pain at the Short Hills Mall, you know how stupid it is. It’s like a 1000 chickens walking around with their heads’ cut off trying to get food, a drink, pay, and sit down. It’s always crowded, it’s always inefficient, and it’s never a good time. We were so exhausted from shopping and the place was so nuts that when a table opened up, we called dibbs and sat down. We were so pissed off at how plain and stupid the store is set up that we ate and left. Not one person even noticed that we were there or that we didn’t pay. #SorryNotSorry

This one time I mopped the floors in stilettos. First of all, by “one time” I mean all the time! Before I started working at Rhino, I was a regular customer. I got to know the staff and for whatever reason they always treated me so amazingly well. I never had to wait on line, I never paid a cover charge, they kicked out guys who bothered me, and they made sure I got home safely at night. In an attempt to thank them for their kindness, I often stayed after hours to help them clean up. It started off with a few small tasks, like picking up empty glasses or throwing away beer bottles but clearly, that wasn’t enough. “Gimme the mop!” I mopped the floors in my 4-inch heels and mini skirts for years and loved every second of it. Naturally, I was called “Mop” by a couple of the guys. This one time Melissa asked me to say, “c-o-f-f-e-e” and I blurted out, “SOFA!!!” Don’t ask me why I said “sofa” because I have no idea but from then on, I became the mopping girl with a Jersey accent who shouts out absurd things. As you can probably guess, not much changed in the remaining years I spent there. 

 

This one time I made a really big scene at a really small airport. So as you know my ex-boyfriend and I had a long distance relationship. One time I visited him in his home state just before he was starting a new chapter in his career aka he was so excited to start something new that he could barely get upset over my departure. Meanwhile, the combination of leaving him, of heading back to school alone, and the fact that he wasn’t showing hardly any signs of missing me…I was devastated. So naturally I’m sobbing, like serious pellets of water are falling from my eyes. I can’t talk, I can’t think, I mean I could barely walk. The police officer at security offered me tissues and tried to comfort me in line. I finally get my bag on the conveyor belt and (bless his heart) the security guard who looked all of 16 years old had to pull my bag off the belt and search it. Why? Because my toiletry bag had some over the limit liquids in it. (Keep in my mind that I’m still hysterically crying). So he’s looking through my bag, carefully and politely telling me that some of the liquids are too heavy, “THROW IT OUT!” I cried. “JUST THROW IT OUT! I DON’T EVEN CARE!” This poor kid. He points out maybe two bottles that needed to be thrown out, “Miss, only these two need to go, that’s all…” and I respond, “THROW IT ALL OUT, WHO NEEDS ANY OF IT?!” Sob sob sob drama queen drama queen drama queen. I was then handed an ENTIRE box of tissues, was given full instruction of where I needed to go next, and got a big hug from the initial trooper who was supervising. I wish the madness ended there but it didn’t. I got on the plane (still sobbing) and made conversation with the sympathetic man next to me who had two daughters. And I continued to cry my way through the connecting airport, the next flight, and the cab ride back to my dorm room. Dear God.

This one time I gave my number out at a Yankees game. I went to a Yankees game one summer with Lauren and Gabbie. We had bleacher seats so at some point during the game we lost focus and got a little loopy from the heat. I kept glancing up at the guy sitting a row behind us and a few seats to my right. I noticed him watching us and wanting to laugh at us but in a “they are cute and funny” kinda way. We decided to leave early but before we did I wrote my number down on a piece of scratch paper. I turned to him and said, “Hi, I never do this but I think you’re really cute. Here’s my name and number. Enjoy the rest of the game!” WE BOLTED OUT OF THERE! I was so embarrassed and the adrenaline rush was crazy. Mozel to you guys who have to pull crap like that out of your asses all the time in order to ask girls out. Anyway, he texted me later that night, called me within the next few days, and took me out on a date. The best part was that he took me to ANOTHER YANKEE GAME! Woot! It didn’t work out, partly because, get this….the guy never listens to music. It was very weird. I remember specifically that he had never even heard of the Red Hot Chili Peppers…slater, buddy!

This one time I played Division I softball at Georgetown. Yup, check it off the list of things to do in life. Aside from the competition, the camaraderie, and the pride of being a Division I athlete, one of the best parts was all the gear! We were outfitted from head to toe in Georgetown Softball apparel. Anywhere we went, we had an outfit for it. Shorts, shirts, sweatshirts, jackets, hats, running sneakers, travel sneakers, lifting sneakers, turfs, cleats, sliders, socks, uniforms, EV-ER-Y THING. And we got bats, balls, helmets, bags, a backpack, and duffel bag. Holy smokes it was awesome.

This one time I helped start a band of spoons with an entire diner of people. So the diner is actually called The Diner and it’s in the Meatpacking District. It is the best late-night spot in the area and I swear it plays better music than any of the bars or clubs that you have already been to that night. I went there with Sexaholic J, remember him from back in the day, and his buddies. The place was hustling and bustling but our food was taking FOREVER. We couldn’t get the waitress’ attention so we jokingly started to bang our spoons on the table…really classy, right? However, as we started to bang our spoons, Lionel Richie’s “All Night Long” came on the sound system. Naturally, we started to bang our spoons to the beat and gradually the entire restaurant joined in with us! The waitresses wanted to kills us but it was the best! I’ve never seen such a spontaneous coming together of people. We were singing, eventually dancing, but always banging with the spoons. Only in New York.

This one time I rode on the back of a motorcycle. I used to take the DC Metro out to Virginia to hang out with the Gorilla King. He usually picked me up in his nice SUV but this time that was not the case. I texted him like usual to say that I was 10 minutes away and he goes, “Wait, for real? Shit, I only have the bike.” I’m laughing in my head and answer, “Hahah yeah right. See you in a few!” While I’m waiting for him to respond, I’m thinking to myself that if he’s serious this could be interesting considering I’m in a denim mini skirt. “Well, I guess you’re finally gonna get on the bike.” Sweet Jesus. While I’m waiting for him, my hands start to shake I’m so nervous. He pulls up, hands me a helmet, and takes my bag so I can get myself onto the back of his crotch rocket. The crowd of people waiting to get picked up is watching me as a struggle in my cute sandals and short skirt. I finally get on and we’re off. I LOVED IT!! Other than the part when we pulled up next to two cop cars, all checking out the situation going on with my skirt (yes, I was that girl) but it was exhilarating. From then on, I begged him to pick me up and take me home on the bike. Sadly, it was stolen from a parking lot last year.

This one time I got my very own military fly-by. I met a guy who he flew helicopters for the US Coast Guard a few years ago at Rhino (yes, another military guy). The next day he texted me asking what’s up.
Me: On campus watching the lacrosse game. You?
Him: See you in a few. Is he on campus? What is he thinking? Like, really, whaaaat?
Me: What? You’re here?
Not fifteen minutes later a helicopter comes flying over the field and I get a text that says, “Hi!
It was pretty freakin’ cool and later on that evening I went up on the rooftop of my dorm and watched as he flew over the Potomac River and right by me. His text that time said, “The guys approve! :-)”

I’ve had some pretty rockin’ experiences in my life and these are just to name a few! This one time I used Lactaid milk to chase vodka with Maggie. This one time I got hand-cuffed to Lauren (as a joke) after dancing on the bar at Rhino. This one time Matt Murphy duct taped to a wall (literally). This one time Allie and I blew all of the fuses in our building freshman year. This one time the Cheetah and I ordered pigs in a blanket at the Georgetown Four Seasons at 4am. This one time I got a free cab ride for me and Meghan. This one time I was a human Zamboni with George during the Snowpocalypse as we watched Ken snowboard down M Street. This one time Lauren and I were thought to be celebrities at a Ranger game. This one time we were searched at Fort Myer Army Base. And this one time I had forgotten about these times, how wonderful they each were, and how it feels good to reflect on them every now and then. If nothing else, it reminds me that I have fun stories to tell.

I literally couldn’t move.

Sassarella Says…sometimes I go through tough times but all-in-all, 
I live a damn good and fun life. What did you do this one time?
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About sasssays

The trials, the tribulations, and the triumphs of a sassy and sophisticated 20 something girl
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