Like really? Is that title in another language? Read on for the translation…
On Saturday morning (after an absolutely divine evening out on the town with my Tanya Miss Hottie Banya) Beth, Matt, and I drove dts to Long Beach Island. On the way, a familiar song came on the radio and Beth and I belted it out: “Life is a highway, I wanna ride it all night long!” However, Matt decided to put his own spin on it (as usual): “Life is a Christie, she wants to be staunch all day long!” If you have never had the pleasure of meeting my brother Matt and are unfamiliar with how he defines “staunch,” it can sometimes be used to describe the somewhat bitchy and judgmental part of being sassy. He calls me staunch as I often sit quietly, only observing others, and reading them. It may look like I’m uninvolved or uninterested but really a billion thoughts are running through my head.
“Christie, you know why you’re staunch sometimes….because you want it awl,” my brother said. This somehow broke into a conversation about our beloved Lindsay Lohan and the inner workings of her brain but managed to wrap back around to this wanting it awl business. (If you are unfamiliar with my brother’s latest bit, he is strongly emphasizing the Jersey accent by pronouncing “all” as “awl”). We wondered about having it awl, wanting it awl, and if it’s even possible. For example, is it possible to have both the fire and the honey in a relationship? We discussed how there are men who are the nice guys, the guys who would do absolutely anything for you, the guys with just a little too much honey and at the end of the day, ya just don’t wanna hop in bed with him. The intellectual connection and maybe even the emotional connections are there but the physical one is lacking. And on the other hand, there are the guys that all they are is a physical attraction but severely lack the intellectal and emotional stability that we women need. Do you have to choose between one guy or the other?
Matt wasn’t quite sure that it is possible to have it awl and I thought back to a conversation I was having with my mother about recent events in my love life. She started a sentence by saying, “Ya know, I really don’t think you’re going to be one of those people who doesn’t end up with someone.” Gee thanks, ma! I told her that the thought never even crossed my mind but then I got to thinking. Keeping in mind that I’m an all or nothing type of person in the love department, am I expecting to much? Am I asking for too much? Am I going to be one of those people who is so focused on not settling for anything less than what I think I deserve or want and end up with no one? Wowzaaas.
I understand that small sacrifices, small compromises, and the small quirks like the way he brushes his teeth or the way he talks to himself when he’s really focused, whatever it may be, are things that I may have to overlook because I want both. I want to be both intellectually and emotionally connected while also being physically satisfied. We deserve to have it all or what’s the point of any of it? Everyone always says that it’s the journey that counts, so why would I not want to spend my journey with someone who doesn’t complete me? (Sorry, I watched Jerry Maguire this weekend). To me, worth it means having it AWL. I’m not willing to have a boyfriend, a fiance, or a husband for the sake of having one so if that means very impatiently hanging out until then, then so be it.
According to Matt, I have to work on committing to being non-committed because when ya least expect it is when it comes. Is anyone else really friggen over that saying? I feel like sending a g.d. memo to the higher powers: “Dear Universe, I am writing to inform you that I’m not expecting any great love affair any time soon so feel free to send one my way. Laters on the menjay, Sassarella.” Ugh. I don’t know, I like to think I’m really ready for another big love but Matt hit me with words that almost knocked the wind out of me, “Well, if you were ready then you would have it by now, wouldn’t you?” So I got that going for me but as per usual, only time will tell.
I had a realization while considering this all or nothing theory in other aspects of my life as well. Sure I can half ass things that don’t really matter to me but looking and feeling good about myself is not one of those things. I have been trying to more slowly and steadily shed pounds. In doing this, I have not been super strict during the week so that I don’t feel deprived. I’m watching and taking note of what I’m eating but I’m not doing the whole “only eat lettuce, turkey, and my daily bag of popcorn and an apple” routine. I’ve been eating like a normal person but the issue is this….I’m an Italian/Irish Jersey girl. We wear this label proudly, like it’s some kind of NJ status symbol to be Italian and Irish, “Why don’t you bring home a nice Italian girl,” they say. Anyway, I like my vino, I like my escarole with garlic and oil, I like my occasional slice of pizza, and I love my whiskey. All of that goodness takes place on the weekends and now I’m coming to realize that it’s all or nothing. In order to have it awl on the weekends, I essentially need to have nothing during the week. Healthy, right? I’m not starving myself or anything, it’s just to jump start the process, but I can’t allow the little bites, tastes, and snacks during the week. I really have a hard time controlling myself on the weekends and frankly, I don’t want to feel like I have to. I want it awl.