I first read the expression “fire and honey” in a novel by Susan Elizabeth Phillips called Just Imagine. For some reason I fell in love with it. The love story between the main characters, Kit Weston and Baron Cain, is traumatic. They spend years resisting each other, even arguing and treating each other poorly. They then break the relationship off and spend time apart, both miserable, yet too proud to admit it to one another. Until finally one day, after years of torment, they come together and feel the soothing love of reconciliation. “Fire and honey,” Baron said. Fire is destructive and chaotic, as is trauma. Honey is smooth and soothing, as is love and reconciliation. Kit and Baron made it through the fire to the honey, I however, did not.
Saturday started off very peaceful and routine. GTL, baby! Gym, tan, and laundry all day. Then, as per usual, I go from having all the time in the world to meet Lauren to being practically late. There was a credit card crisis, a massive line at the liquor store, I’m running around, sweating, forgetting to pack things, and stressing out. Not exactly traumatic but chaotic to say the least. However, the feelings faded when I got some much needed car time while driving dts with my best friend Lauren, who I hadn’t seen in forever. We then enjoyed a nice home cooked meal with some vino and continued to celebrate the holiday weekend at Bar Anticipation (better known as “Bar A”) with good friends. The bar is HUMONGOUS. As we danced around from one area to another, we ran into more friends and even an uncle! We also saw some Sona bouncers and were very happy to prove to them that we do go to other bars! And believe it or not, I actually had a great time with a certain “Roller Coaster” character. (Any new readers can get a history of “Roller Coaster” in Weekend Warrior: “Where’s my girl?” … it will help fill in the gaps)
Still not exactly traumatic but uncomfortable, I woke up the next morning still drunk, tired, hungry, and in pain from high heels. However, nothing feels more soothing than throwing your hung over body down onto the sand. The beach was pretty perfect. The sun was out but not enough to feel like you’re going to melt. There was a nice breeze and we all took lovely little naps. The soothing sensation continued back at the house on the patio. Sandwiches, a refreshing vodka cocktail, and a card game. I’m not going to say who won the game but here’s a hint….she lives in my mirror 😉 After this girl, who lives in my mirror, beat everyone at a game she was playing for the first time, I went for a long run around town. I couldn’t believe how happy and relaxed I felt. I’m not a big “go down the shore all weekend” kind of girl but I was thinking about how content I would be to have a day like I did on Sunday all summer long. I was comfortable. I was spending time with a family, part of which I’ve known forever, and part of which I have only met a few times but I was loving every second of it. Sun-kissed and feeling accomplished for the day, I showered, ate, re-joined the card games, and the night continued in peace.
“We’re having a great time at the house but let’s walk to Edgar’s and go out for a bit! Yay. Does anyone know if [Roller Coaster] is going to wake up and join us?” I decide to find out. The weekend was going so well and I thought that finally, after everything, maybe we actually have potential for something more here. So I go up to the bedroom, wake him up, and ask him to come with us to Edgar’s Pub. “Don’t you look pretty,” he tells me. Well why thank ya, Roller Coaster. How sweet of you to say so. He eventually gets up and decides to join us. While walking to the bar, a slightly more intoxicated than the rest of us group member is in both mine and Roller Coaster’s ears about “what’s happening between us”, “dude, she’s a great girl, what are you doing?” and asking me why R.C. and I aren’t together. I could feel it coming, this was going to be a disaster. We got to the bar and according to Roller Coaster, for the rest of the night I was invisible (and I wish I could say that it’s the first time that’s happened, but it’s not). Hitting on other girls, completely ignoring my presence, and like Pauly D says, “you can’t come in on Sunday with a big banana and expect everything to be peaches.” Bringing up, talking about, and exploring “what’s going on between us” is the big banana…this conversation never bodes well for me. Now don’t misunderstand, I’m not blaming the group member. Roller Coaster’s discomfort and resistance to the the big banana is ALWAYS an issue (that’s what she said).
Anyway, on the walk home from Edgar’s, Roller Coaster and I had a less than pleasant chat. He just left me in the trenches taking grenades, as usual. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately for me) the details are fuzzy but the end result was “this is done, it’s done.” A few weeks ago he and I discussed the idea of actually going on a date and trying things out for realsies but this was shot down once again on Sunday. Think about something you really like or want, then imagine being able to touch it, talk to it, smell it, or if it’s a person…even kiss it, then imagine me ripping it out of your hands, dangling it in front of your face for awhile but just far enough away from you so you can’t grab it and then ultimately smashing it on the ground in little tiny pieces right in front of your face. Good thing I’m not dramatic or anything but this is what Roller Coaster does to me time and time again.
As traumatic as this was, I didn’t know that I was about to walk into the house to find a BLAZING FOREST FIRE (figuratively, of course). Here I am, sitting outside by myself trying to stop sobbing so I don’t disturb anyone, and I walk inside to find a house turned upside down with arguing. It’s not my place, nor do I wish for my own sake, to dive into further detail about the content of the arguing but let’s just say that I felt at fault. Revolving around the issues between Roller Coaster and I, there was crying, screaming, cursing, and storming around. Crazy? Yeah, you said it, Patsy Cline! This was a sight I never expected to see, especially not on this night, in that house, with this family.
The next morning I woke up with puffy eyes and a breaking heart. I went downstairs and was embraced with the honey of a hug. A big hug. The kind you can only get from a Ya-Ya Mommy. I was able to let it out, talk, and apologize for being part of the chaos, for being part of the trauma.
I spent the rest of Monday in a daze. I was emotionally and physically drained from the stress. All I kept thinking was, “If I treated you the way you’ve treated me, you’d actually hate me.” But I can’t hate him, it’s too much effort and because of our history I still care about him as a person. However, I think I’m now finally getting it through my thick and stubborn skull that I ain’t getting any honey from this one. This relationship has been a burning fire for years; it’s traumatic, it’s problematic, it’s chaotic, and it’s also incredibly passionate. However, Mama needs some honey real bad and I’m not getting it from Roller Coaster anytime soon, or ever perhaps. For real roller coasters, theme parks and manufacturers put a height requirement for riders in order to ensure safety and comfort. I don’t think I’m tall enough to ride this one anymore. It’s hurting too much. It’s not safe.
Fire and honey. I think I just kept believing that the fire was so intense that the honey would eventually have to come, but why? Because movies, television shows, and songs tell me so? That’s not real life. I haven’t given up on this fire and honey theory altogether but I’m moving on from it with Roller Coaster. The ball was always in his court and if given ten opportunities to show me love, he’s dropped the ball every time. I want the g.d. ball now and I’m taking it. I’m taking control of this as best as I can. It won’t be easy, in fact it’s going to hurt like a crazy ass mother effer, but I gotta move on and take this roller coaster off the tracks. I gotta figure out how I’m going to see him all summer and not feel the fire of trauma but rather feel the honey that resolution and moving on will bring me.