Patience is a virtue, however, I can honestly admit that I seriously lack any type of patience. In fact, I’d even go as far as to say that I’m an obnoxiously impatient person. I have my theories as to why this is, one being that everyone has to have a flaw here or there and another having to do with growing up in a technology driven generation fixated on instant gratification. Either way, it is what it is.
Thirsty Thursday: I traveled up to Fairfield, CT to pay a visit to my dearest Lauren Ann at school. First strike of impatience: Lauren and I wasted no time and engaged in Lauren’s typical style of drinking. It involves sitting it down at the kitchen table, turning the techno beats on, yelling at her “Hot Tamale” roommates to get ready faster, and taking shots of vodka chased by Red Bull and a pretzel. Why waste time sipping mixed drinks or wine when you can change the song and take another shot? Seems logical. We went to a house party, danced on the coffee table (as per usual), and later made moves to The Grape. We were, and I kid you not, the only two people on the dance floor. I can’t even say that we toned things down because of it (we’re very passionate dancers). Then BOOM impatience, “why hasn’t the DJ played ‘Dirty Talk’ yet?!” Lauren walked over to the dj booth, yelled in his ear, danced her way back over to me, and within seconds I heard the opening notes to Wynter Gordon’s “Dirty Talk”. Like I said, a generation built on instant gratification. By the way, yayay to seeing OKS girls, who obvi joined us on the dance floor in true Holy Child form!
Friday: First let me just say that in complete opposition to instant gratification, by way of public transportation, it took me almost 4 hours to get home to NJ from CT. Outrageous. Although, I’ll take any excuse to pay Grand Central a visit. I don’t know what it is about the energy in there but it’s very posh, very fast, and an all-around dream boat compared to Penn Station. Anyway, throughout the day I got to thinking about Magic 8 Ball. He doesn’t text all that much, which is fine, however in the last few days the communication between us was extremely limited. We spoke on the phone Tuesday afternoon for awhile but I had not heard from him since. On Friday, our texting conversation was lame, in fact, I’m not even going to call it a conversation, but rather I’ll call it my attempt at having some interaction. Hours would go by in between short, uninvolved text messages. Again, BOOM, impatience. Is this really what I want right now?
In the last few days since then, I’ve assessed the situation based on an insecure feeling that I’ve had from our first date. For some reason, I’ve never been able to trust that I’ll hear from him or that I’d see him again, hence the “Magic 8 Ball” nickname, it was all very uncertain. So, whenever I did hear from him or see him, I would say to myself, “See, you just have to relax, this is going the way you want it to”. Now, to be fair, I still don’t really know whether or not things will pick up where we left off when I get back to DC but the nagging voice in my head is saying that picking up where we left off is not going to be the case. What’s funny is that as much as I enjoy spending time with him, and could potentially spend more time with, I’m caring less and less that we don’t seem to be on the same page. M8B is clearly happy to keep things very casual, light, and slow. Maybe he’s giving me space while I’m on my spring break? Doubtful. But here’s the thing, I don’t want to be given my space. At this point, I want that sense of urgency from a guy. He shouldn’t want to go days without talking, even if it’s just to see how my day is going. Whether it’s true or not, it’s making me feel like M8B isn’t thinking about me and frankly, I don’t care for that feeling very much at all.
I’ve rushed into relationships before and that never works out but like I said, I’m impatient. I don’t want to wait days to talk to him or hours to receive a responding text message. We never leave each other with a plan, it’s always “I’ll see ya when I see ya” or “I’ll talk to ya when I talk to ya” and I tried to go along with it. Why? Well because despite these vague sayings, he always ended up calling, but this is not my style. I’m a reasonable person and I agree that this behavior is appropriate at first, but I felt like we had moved past that. Regardless, I’m impatient and I’m always the person who has a “plan”, even if it’s just a list of things to do for the next two hours.
Back to Friday’s events: I went to The Godfather for dinner with my parents and it was amazing as usual. I got all my New Jersey tastes including Sopranos red wine, escarole, and risotto. I also spoke with a new gentleman caller that evening (I’m a regular Tennessee Williams in the making over here), and got a new perspective. Maybe I owe it to myself to back off from M8B and explore my options. I should see what happens if I just put some eggs in his basket, as opposed to tossing them all in there! Sometimes I think I should take a break from dating altogether but then BOOM impatience hits and I want that intimacy. Besides, the butterfly feeling of meeting someone new is too much fun to resist.
Saturday: I spent most of the day getting detoured ALL OVER New Jersey because Route 46 was underwater, literally underwater. I was trying to go to the Willowbrook Mall, only to find out that the entire parking lot was under water and the mall was closed for the weekend. Normal Route 46 traffic on a Saturday is bad but add annoying detours and streams of water all over the place is an impatient person’s nightmare.
Sunday: I’ve been sitting here at Starbucks doing homework and writing this post. I’m texting with the new gentleman caller, who I’m not going to give a nickname because I haven’t decided if he’s even going to need one yet. It’s pretty funny because he’s usually very quick in responding to messages, but of course, as soon as I ask him one of those questions that could make things awkward with someone you don’t know very well, he takes FOREVER to respond. I need some patience, for the love of God, patience. I have to talk myself down from sending another message and even gave myself a time limit. “Alright, if he doesn’t answer by 5pm, you can text him again to clarify the question but for now, just wait!” Luckily, he responded before 5pm and was cool with the question. I’m laughing at myself right now because I feel like George Costanza, “SERENITY NOW!!!” Ya crazy, biotch! Hey, at least I can acknowledge my insanity.
I have my iTunes on random shuffle as I’m sitting here writing and Vanessa Carlton’s, “Fools Like Me”, is speaking to me. One way of looking at my situation, not just with Magic 8 Ball, but with other guys and in other areas of life is that I’m a fool. Giiiirl, whatchu talkin’ bout? I mean fool in a positive way….I’m a dreamer, I jump in, I rarely hold anything back and when I do I’m completely uncomfortable. So what if I want some urgency? So what if I’m impatient? Is that so terrible? I sometimes tell myself that I should attempt being more closed off and mysterious, at least in the beginning of a relationship, but why should I? It’s just not me to be that way but I’ll let Vanessa explain:
Words you could never say,
They hold the loudest tones
You say you’ll write but it’s just ink on a page…
Fools like me
Oh we never see
Cause the cracks don’t count,
it’s gotta break in front of me
And it’s breakin’
It’s gotta break for me to see
If I had to choose between being a “fool” who allows herself to feel real emotions and to get swept off her feet, only to be burned and have to start all over again versus someone who is a scared, closed off, and willing to keep everyone at arm’s length…well, no doubt, I’d pick the fool. I’m always going to be upfront about how I feel, what I feel, and why I’m feeling that way. I expect the same from the one I’m with – “words you couldn’t say” – not gonna fly with me. So I’m a fool for still wanting to see what happens, to give a man the benefit of the doubt in most situations – “the cracks don’t count, it’s gotta break in front of me” – I see the positive so if something is over, it’s gotta shatter for me to believe and accept it. So what if that makes me a fool? But most of all, “at least I can say I was not afraid”, and I always give it everything I’ve got. We “fools” might get a few more bumps and bruises along the way but I am 100% confident that the bruises ensure that I will find true comfort in only the best and most meaningful relationships. So, “Suck on THAT! Ay yi yi yi yi yi!” ~ Janis Ian