With the start-up date for MLB pitchers and catchers rapidly approaching I got to thinking. At this point in the semester, in terms of my dating life, I feel like I’ve done the warm-up laps, the stretching, and the long arm toss. I’ve taken infield, fielded pop flies, and had some batting practice. I’m ready for opening day, let’s go! Here’s the thing though, I’ve got one minor, teeny tiny, little bitty problem….so far, all I’ve got are second stringers. How am I supposed to accomplish anything without any starting players? At this rate, I don’t have a shot at making the playoffs.
I’m asking you now to keep your minds outta the gutter and refrain from turning my legitimate baseball metaphor into a down and dirty metaphor…
1. My lead-off guy popped up to the center fielder. It looked like he had a chance to hit one over the fence but right at its peak, you could hear the crowd (in my head) go “ahhhh damn, popped him up.” Classic case of a Napoleon complex: he was way shorter (and smaller) than I remembered and he tried to cover up his nerves, insecurities, etc by telling long, overly detailed stories that all somehow lead back to how awesome he is. Guys, most of us see right through this act. Please just be yourself, we might actually like ya!
2. My #2 guy hit a nice single to the outfield but got tossed out stealing 2nd. He was mega nice, really laid back, and pleasant to be around. However considering he lives in VA, right outside of DC, and didn’t know where the Key Bridge is….well that’s a problem. His world was too small town for me and little too country. If I ever had to tell him that I’m moving to NYC in a few months, well I might as well tell him I’m moving to Japan because it would be the equivalent shock factor.
3. My #3 guy, as an expected #3 batter should, looked like he could have come through in the clutch. He hit a hard line drive, I’ll give him that, but it was RIGHT TO the left fielder. At a certain point in the night I was waiting for him to whip out a “Bond, James Bond.” His last name wasn’t Bond, but he sure thought it was! I don’t dislike the James Bond type as long as you can walk the walk and not just talk the talk.
4. The #4 power hitter, the guy I put a lot of faith in, I was hoping he would hit it outta the park. Unfortunately, he struck out looking….the WORST way to go down. Put it this way, he thought he was hitting a home run too (yes, re-instate your need to make my metaphor sexual at this moment) without even taking me out on a proper date. We agreed to meet outside of his apartment building when I got off from work, since his place was close by, and then together we would figure out where we wanted to go for drinks. I found him standing outside the door in slippers, sweatpants, and a t-shirt…hokaay so, I could see where this was going. “I’m young, I’m rich, I travel all over the place, we have so much in common, look at my uber fancy apartment, now sleep with me…..” blah biddy blah biddy blah. After I figured out his little plan, I switched gears. “Sure, I’d looooove to see your super fancy apartment, I’m oh so impressed, how ever will I keep my pants on?!” I turned him on just enough, hit him with a killer change-up and walked out…sucker.
5. My #5 guy, unassuming and relaxed, managed to hit a nice little pop over the infielders head and right in front of the outfielders. It was one those hits that the commentators, coaches, and my dad would respond by saying, “Alright, alright a hits a hit….we’ll take it” Clap clap clap. He’s just hanging out on 1st base for now because I really don’t know if he has what it takes to try for 2nd. I might be a little too much Sassarella for him. For now, he’s TBD.
6. Hmm #6…how do I phrase this? We did a role reversal…he claimed to be casual, non-committal, and easy-going but he lied. Off the bat, he was texting me very aggressively and I found myself thinking “DO LESS.” I later found out that he was drunk and drunk texting a person you’ve just met….really? I mean come on…really? It’s one thing to be a little desperate but come on even I don’t do that. I subbed in a DH for him…he didn’t even make it to the plate.
I’m looking for some starters, some game-worthy, in the zone, ready for anything players. Is that too much to ask? I’m tired of sifting through these bench players…meh.
7. I’m meeting my #7 batter this week. We’ll see if he can get a hit, round first, and knock #5 outta the diamond. Now let’s say he lays down a bunt and I throw him out at 1st, that will mean that #5 is safe at 2nd. Or I’ll decide to throw out #5 at 2nd, which will leave #7 safe at 1st. Again, this is all TBD. Fortunately, #7 is off to a good start….he’s obsessed with baseball AND the NY Yankees 🙂
I’ve got a mean curve ball so good luck and BATTER UP!